Protecting Myself

Since I haven't been a nurse that long, I still haven't learned how to protect myself emotionally. Before this week, it really hadn't been necessary. Most of our patients come into our lives so briefly that an emotional connection doesn't form, so when we lose them, it isn't as difficult. Until now.

In my 7.5 weeks of being a nurse, one patient has been admitted an discharged on 3 separate occasions. I have cared for him in each of his admissions and every time I see him, he is getting worse and worse. He has been admitted again and I fear that this admission will be his last. His cancer is out of control, he is no longer cognizant of what is going on, he is so swollen we have been unable to get an IV into him. His situation seems dire. I know that he will not get better and I know that this poor man will die alone in the hospital. He breaks my heart.

His death will be hard on me. I have emotionally invested myself because I feel for him. His family does not come to visit him, he spends most of days alone. I try to spend as much of my free time with him so he'll have some companionship. I hope this helps him in some way.

After each shift that I care for him, I cannot shake him from my mind. I worry about him and wish that his children would come and visit. I call my brother and yell at him to make sure he wears sunscreen and a hat while he is outside because I cannot bear the though of him getting skin cancer after seeing how it wrecks the body. Even on my off days, like today, I wonder if he is still with us or not. His death will be hard, I just hope that it doesn't make me hard as well.

There has to be a way to do my job well and not get this emotional. I have to find a way to be compassionate without emotional burnout. I'm sure there is a way to do this, I just haven't found it yet.

A Couple of Things

First things first, I passed boards!!! What a relief to have that behind me. I told my hubby that I am more proud of passing NCLEX than I am of graduating college. It's true, I am. Now I can actually have a day off!! No more studying, I am officially done! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!

Everything is going really well with my new job. I like the people I work with and I feel that I am getting into a groove. Unfortunately, this will all change when I switch from the day shift to night. Oh well, we all have to pay our dues. Everyday is a new learning experience. Nursing school prepares you for how to pass boards, not how things really are in the hospital setting. By time I get done with a 12 hour shift, my brain is full and I am fried.

Oncology is an amazing and heartbreaking place to work. There are days when I am certain that I have witnessed what can only be described as a miracle and there are days when you are certain that there is no good in the world at all. It's an emotional job, for me and the patient.

Tuesday, I witnessed both hell and miracle for one patient. He is in his 50's and has colon cancer. He had been fine most of the day but by noon there was definitely something off about him. He was having new and unusual symptoms. By 3pm he was in septic shock because his bowel had perforated. He was immediately transported to have emergency surgery. The outcome was bleak as his bowel had perforated not once but three times. The chance of surviving this surgery is next to nothing, but he is alive. He lived through the surgery and is on the road to recovery. Amazing.

That's Inappropriate!

My second day on the floor I had my first patient hit on me! The first time he said something, it was kind of cute. I was in his room doing his morning assessment and he says "I really like you, I think I should take you home with me." to which I reply "Thank you, that's so sweet, I think you made my day." At the time I actually meant that. He was the first patient that I had had in my real job to pay me that kind of compliment, I just didn't realize that it wasn't my nursing skills he liked.

As the day progressed, he went from cute to annoying. "You are cute and you take such good care of me, I think you should come home with me." Me: "Can't, I have to make a living here and I have other people I have to take care of." All smiles, I leave the room and then let out a giant sigh.

The next time I go in his room he says "Baby, what do I have to do to get your phone number, you are beautiful and you take such good care of me." Me: "I can't give you my number, not to mention, I am a happily married woman." Him: "Baby, if you can't give me your number, I'll give you mine. If I give you my number, will you call me?" Me: "No, I cannot call you. Plus, I am married." Him: "You're making a mistake, baby."

Ok, at this point I'm starting to get very frustrated. I am not his baby and he is getting out of line. The next time I go in, it gets inappropriate.

I bend over near the bed and the man grabs my ass! Me: "Sir, you will remove your hand from my backside. I have been polite but now you are being inappropriate with me. I think it is time for another nurse to help you." I walked out. My "boss" was his nurse until we discharged him later in the day.

I can just tell, nursing is going to be F-U-N!

What's the Point?

I'm a new nurse. As a new nurse everything is a new experience. This is a place where I can process what has happened. A place for me to share my thoughts and feelings about my day, the funny things that can arise, the embarrassing and of course, the sad things that will inevitability happen to me as an Oncology nurse.

If you read this, I hope you enjoy.